~blue tears falling~

My life
Without you.

Stumbling about my life
All I can think about is you.
Remembering the things you said
Three words in particular ...
Please keep faith.

Hmmmm ...

Please keep faith.
And faith once came so easy!
It was a natural place to be.
But time has seen hope ...
Turn to waiting ...
Reluctantly dissolve to disappointment.
Faith waning to a whisper.
A lone leaf, I guess
Trembling on a once flourishing tree.

Please keep faith.

Wishing so hard I could reach you,
Yet having to know my place.
Not wanting to jeopardise things
Each time a contemptuous smack in the face.
Guess I'll just have to wait ...
Then a sinking feeling in my heart
As history sadly shakes its head.

Please keep faith.

My life without you
Teetering in freefall,
Like a deathless bereavement
No flowers, no service ...
Just alone.
All I know is that I love you.
It's like finding a rock in unruly waters ...
Bracing my heart and hanging on
Wishing my love gave me a choice.

It hurts
Just to look at you
To see the emptiness
In your eyes,
Hear the flatness
Of your voice,
Know my exclusion
From your thoughts.

And now,
The final deep breath
Of letting go.
Although this parting
Was long overdue.
To know that soon
I can start to heal.

I'm scared.
For so long now,
All I've known
Is the entrapment of your love,
The subtle fear
That bound my hands,
The broken plate
Which smashed my calm.

I'm mad
To be told your pain
Means more than mine,
To know each time
I'll be out-raged,
To hear your tears ...
But you not mine.

And now
I stand and gaze
Into your eyes,
My answer lies
In your blank stare
And know it's time to walk away.
Leave a house, a lover
A soulmate, a friend.
Drained of desire
To start over again.


For all this time
Iíve been your little puppet
Youíve pulled my little strings
And ruled my little life

Iíve hated this life
And yet itís all Iíve known
Itís the only life Iíve had
A life lived through you

But soon enough,
You grew bored of my life
Started cutting my strings
Slowly, one by one.

String by string.
Limb by limb.
My life fails you.
And fails me too.

And then the day comes
The knife cuts again.
The final string snaps
And I flop into the abyss

That lurch, that crash
Limp, I lie in the dark.
My heart multiplies the silence
You cut that string too

9 May 2001 Ė 2002

I had it all.
Appreciated none.
A shared home.
Two years.


9 May.
I lay in anotherís bed,
Wondering what the future held.
ďLetís take one day at a timeĒ she said
(Now weíve taken 3, 6, 5)

Barely concealed emotions.
Secrets burning inside.

Of freedoms I thought denied me.
Days away that became weekends.
The excuses more incredulous.
You knew.
(Though I donít think you know now).

More furtive liaisons.
Difficult truths.

Slowly lust gave way to enlightenment
That lust was all there was.
I turned tail and headed back to you,
Only to find youíd walked away.

And the dubious credit was all mine.
Iíd got exactly what I asked for.
No less than I deserved.
And though I tried to win you back,
Everything I gave
Was too little and too late.

Weíre just good friends now.
This evening we watched Friends,
Ate paltry poultry
And talked and smiled and laughed.

And as 9 May draws to a close,
I can only watch as you
Begin your journey home,
Smiling and waving goodbye.
Oblivious to 9 May,
As you continue your brand new life.

Simple Truth

Do you notice me
When Iím in your car
Sitting at your table
Lying in your bed ?

Do you notice me
When I speak to you
When you hold my hand
When you touch me Ö there ?

How do I crack this glass
That divides you and me ?
What language must I speak
To get through to you ?

Whatís the secret code
To your heart and soul ?
Who or what must I be
To be one you could love ?

But I ask the wrong questions,
Trying to understand.
The truth is so simple
Now Iíve opened my eyes.

Iím simply superfluous.
Now I understand,
Iíll swallow your lies
No more.