Darkness.
Footsteps are heard across a darkened stage. The footsteps stopping suddenly
as a powerful spot light shines mid stage.
In the spotlight I stand, dressed in a grey suit and matching hat, white silk
shirt and hanker-chief in pocket, tie loose around my neck. My head is tilted
down towards the floor. The only other thing to be seen in the spotlight is a
wooden coat rack.
::Frank Sinatra singing ‘I won’t dance’ begins::
I start to sway in time with the music, foot tapping. As Frank starts to
sing, I look towards the audience, revealing a grin that looks downright evil,
and with a wink towards an unseen person in the front row, I start to dance.
Nothing major, just a swaggering style in time with the music.
As I am dancing, I remove my jacket, saunter towards the coat rack and hang
the jacket. Frank is still belting out the words as I stand sideways to the
audience and proceed to kick my shoes off, one at a time, in time with the
music, off stage into the wings. The sound of breaking glass can be heard as the
second shoe launches into orbit.
I put my hands onto my trouser hips and pull, revealing long shirt tails, no
visible underwear and a passion for trousers that use velcro.
I wander out of the spot light.
::The song fades mid chorus only to be replaced by the opening piano chords
of Bob Seger's 'Old time rock and roll' ::
I slide into the spotlight. With my back to the audience, I stop center
stage, still wearing hat, shirt, tie, possibly underwear and white fluffy socks
(how else would I have been able to slide across stage?).
Keeping my back to the stage I keep dancing, shirt tails lifting but not
revealing the answer to the question in the minds of the women in the front few
rows.
Now the difficult bit, while I am dancing, I lift a foot and in one swift
movement, pull the sock off, which after twirling it a few times for art's sake,
I throw it into the audience. I proceed to do the same with the other sock,
which gets stuck on a stage lamp and smolders quietly.
I begin to undo the buttons of the shirt, slowly, one by one, until the shirt
opens up to reveal my somewhat hairy chest. The music is slowly fading out as I
slip the shirt off my shoulders as I turn around to face the back of the stage,
to show off my Welsh dragon tattoo.
I throw the shirt backwards into the front row, letting one and all see the
back view of the thong underwear I am wearing.
::The song fades, again mid way through, and Jones the Voice (otherwise known
as Tom Jones) starts singing 'You can keep your hat on'::
As the words are sung I turn around, showing off my pouch. Generally bumping
and grinding with the rhythm of the music, I undo my tie, slowly, until I hold
one end in each hand. Then with a wicked grin on my face, I slowly wrap the tie
around my wrists while holding my hands in the air, until finally I look as if I
am tied up and helpless. I face away from the audience, clenching my buttocks as
I hold the stance for just a moment or three, and then I laugh and release my
hands, letting the tie snake out of the spot light and into the audience.
Left with just my hat and my thong, I walk towards the front of the stage,
swaggering, jiggling and wiggling so it appears I have a small animal in the
front of my underwear.
With a thumb tucked in each side of the thong I bend over to slip it down my
legs, but as I bend over my hat falls off my head. I stop, consider the
situation for a moment and then grasp the rim of the hat, between my teeth.
Again I hook my thumbs in the waist band of the thong and bend over as I
slide it down my legs to my ankles.
As I stand up to reveal all my glory, I open my mouth and my hat falls until
it catches on something and stays there, covering my groin as I walk backwards
laughing.
The music ends. I bow to thank the audience, hat staying put. Just before the
spotlight goes out, I pick up the hat and put it on my head, and then there is
darkness once again.
