We live in a so called Total Power Exchange (TPE)
relationship. That is a rare form of erotic power exchange, much
talked about but hardly ever realy found. Recently we tried to
make a description of the Internet discussion groups. Below is
the TPE for one of compilation of that remember that this is our
view of what our description. Please relationship should copy it.
Also, before you go any further - be be. You do not have to aware
that this especially if you are new to erotic power exchange.
may be confronting,
Before we start a few primary remarks:
•First of all: TPE is rare - extremely rare. Hans has been a
mentor in some cases and he can tell you for sure that of
everybody claiming he/she is or has been in a TPE relationship
99.9 percent HAVE NOT. Either they will tell you a complete
fantasy, hope they will get there some day for the wrong reasons
or think they are because they have misinterpreted definitions.
•TPE is best explained by explaining what it is NOT.
•It is not about total control, i.e. controlling every breath the sub takes, every move she makes, every thought she has. That is something that only exists in the imagination of some doms and is impossible to do.
•It is also not 24/7 in the sense that there is no all the time obvious role play, dressing up, wearing uniforms, wearing nothing or whatever.
•TPE is also not about contracts. If there is a contract at all (in our case there is not) the contract will be there for very ligitimate reasons and it will be a legally valid contract dealing with the interests of the sub, mostly covering a possible aftermath of a TPE relationship. These contracts are usually much like will, making arrangements for what happens if the TPE relationship breaks up. In complicated TPE situations the contacts may also be descriptions of what and what not to do in practical terms (hence more of •a manual then a contract).
•TPE is also not about the sub being a doormat
and finally: it is not about the sub giving up all her rights,
ideas and identity.
To us any form of role play is exactly what it is called:
"play".
Hans: Let's take this one step at the time and start with a
little general information. Diny (47) and me (45) have been
living together now for well over three years and erotic power
exchange has been an issue ever since the first day we met. I
have been active in and out of "the scene" (if there is
such thing) in various countries ever since I was 15. To Diny the
subject as such wasn't entirely unknown in the beginning, but she
had never given it a name, neither had she actively explored some
of her emotions that before we met were mostly unidentified.
Both of us have been married before and we both have children
from previous marriages although neither of them lives with us
(hers are old enough to live on their own, mine live with their
mother and her new husband).
Should you meet us for the first time, you'd probably not even
notice the fact that we have an erotic power exchange
relationship (that is if you don't visit us at home, since with
POWERotics going on and magazines, art and toys all over the
house it is pretty hard not to stumble on the subject somehow).
Probably the most significant factor to outsiders will be the
fact that there never is any explicit role-identification. We do
not use terms like master and slave, but call eachother by name.
And here is the first real difference between TPE and other
erotic power exchange relationships. To us any form of role play
is exactly what it is called: "play". That by no means
is a disqualification for those who have different ways and
ideas, it is just something neither of us can personally identify
with (which doesn't mean we can not understand others and their
feelings/emotions).
Erotic power exchange to us is a fully, naturally integrated part
of our life, our relationship, the way we do things and the way
we look at eachother. This is hard to describe but let me try.
Neither of us needs "proof" of the others' emotions
because we simply know they're there. In fact if any of us
started to give "proof" to the other, the other
probably consider that an act of distrust and probably even
insulting. Should, for example, Diny suddenly start to kneel by
the door when I come home I would identify that as
"unserious" and a deliberate attempt to rediculize the
situation. The same would happen if I would start to do things
like "you have been a naughty girl and you need to be
punished". Should I do that, Diny would probably laugh her
a** off. So, we never set out to start a "scene"
(although yes we do play but actually not very often).
As a result neither of us identifies the erotic power exchange
elements as either "special" or something that can be
seperated from the rest of the relationship. It is just there,
all the time but not always as a prominent factor. No decision on
whatever subject is made without it and the consequences of the
way we incorporate the power element in our relationship will be
a serious factor in anything we do, although it will not always
be the highest priority when it comes to doing things or making
decisions (that depends on the subject).
Probably one of the most important words in TPE is the
"E". It is exchange but in an entirely other setting
then it is in other epe-relationships. The exchange in a TPE
setting is in the fact that either of the partners can live
without the other. Two partners (eventually) fully integrate and
the "team" as such partially replaces the two
individuals. That is exactly why a TPE relationship isn't
something you decide to do on a rainy afternoon and it also is
what makes it so extremely difficult to terminate as well. TPE is
an ongoing, growing process and probably never ending. So, it is
not the sub living for her dom, neither is it the dom
controlling, training, or whatever the sub, it is the two
partners more or less becoming one and it is that "being
one" that is important. The one can not do without the
other. Take the exchange and the growing process away you will
have taken the "raison d'etre" out of BOTH partners. It
is not "I am his" or "She is mine". TPE is
"We are ours". Which means that before you even think
about entering into TPE you need to know who and what you are
yourself. People who will tell you "My Master is the air
that I breathe" are on the wrong track, because that implies
the sub is forgetting herself and overconcentrating on her
partner/dom. If she that, she will eventually not only disappoint
him, but will loose herself in the process.
It is extremely hard to give simple examples of how we all do
this in practise, because of most of that is about what we feel
and not so much what we do. One indication may the fact that for
example whenever Diny feels she needs support in whatever
situation she will curl up at my feet, usually say nothing but
will expect me to know what the problem is and help her identify
it. Which again doesn't mean that there is a need for support
every time she does this. It might also very well be either her
hormones or the simple need to be close.
I do not submit, I deliberately make myself dependant upon my
partner and accept the (all) consequences of that situation
(although that is not exactly a simple thing to do very often)
A question: What you have described in my opinion is just a
regular full time D/s >relationship. I don't know where the
term TPE is coming from, maybe it is>just peoples needs to put
words on situations?
Hans: The answer is this. What I am trying to do is to take it
one step at a time and try and describe things bit by bit. I
started out with describing some of the basics. These of course
will resemble many other relationships (as will other aspects of
a TPE relationship) but I think it is better if you wait until
you have the full picture before you start to compare.
Diny: Now we're getting to the difficult part - the fact that
there are no real limits, no passwords and - most importantly -
no real way out.
Let's try the no way out part first. A TPE relationship basically
starts like any other EPE-relationship. As the relationship
progresses - usually very slowly (and that is one of the main
difficulties) a situation will occur where partners will discover
that things are becoming so intense, that step by step the
"back door out" is closing. This is extremely difficult
to describe. There are no contracts or any other technical
mechanisms to "prove" there is no way out. The entire
thing is psychological and thus both hard to spot and hard to
describe.
If I look at my current relationship and the ones I had before
and try to compare the fact is that previous relationships ended
because I could not be myself, always had to be "in
charge" (eventually) and hence lost myself. In fact all my
life (even though I only recently identified this) I never wanted
to be entirely strong and selfsupporting. In fact I always wanted
to be guided, directed and dependant - ever since I was very
young. That does of course not mean I wanted to be a doormat,
what I appeared to be looking for was an environment where my
need to be fully dependant would be understood and respected. You
see, the difference is in submitting and being dependant. I do
not submit, I deliberately make myself dependant upon my partner
and accept the (all) consequences of that situation (although
that is not exactly a simple thing to do very often).
I haven't figured all of that out yet. I am still searching the
right balance between my need to be dependant and other parts of
me (such as being a mother, being strongminded, hard to concour).
That in itself is on the other hand part of the challenge as
well, especially since this leads to almost constant clahes with
Hans, who is strongminded as well. His "job" is to not
let me win, but bring me back to being dependant. It has been
like that actually since we first met and out first conversations
where I deliberately tested him over and over again, asking what
it would to him, instead of concentrating on myself (trying to
test the other is a nice way to try and hide your own emotions,
(un)fortunaley that didn't work this time ).
When I was young - maybe this explains a bit - I always the
"sweet" and "good" girl that simply followed
orders. Actually I can't remember it being anything other then
that (which is why I hate it when I am called "sweet").
Being dependant needs a few extra words, because this is a
process that doesn't come about easily. It is a slow, painful and
difficult process - not to mention dangerous if you do it on the
worng motives. I know there will eventually be a situation where
I am totally dependant. Although we are working towards that,
we're not there yet. Simply because it is scary and it requires
me to give up the final bits and pieces of myself I am not yet
ready for (maybe I may never entirely fulfill my own desires).
The consequences of working towards total dependancy does require
constant self-evaluation. You need to know where you stand and
why you do things. You need to be strong, have a realistic
self-image and you need to evualate your partner, just as he
does. At the same time I am struggling with the fact that I am
teaching my daughters to be independant, strong and take care of
their own business whilst I myself am in the process of trying to
give all that up. That is paradox that is sometimes difficult to
handle (which mainly has to do with myself).
The differences between "submitting" and "being
dependant" are huge. Not just symantics. Submitting is
something you do within specific rules, negociation and for a
specific (albeit maybe long) time. Being dependant is making
yourself totally available to the other and facing the
consequences (no matter how hard and difficult these may be).
Before doing this you need to know what being independant is. I
have been like that for half my life - self supporting single
parent, making my own living - and you need to have been there
first before you start to think about TPE. You need to know the
differences between the safe environment where you are dependant
and the dangers of becoming dependant to the wrong persons (which
has happened to me and often happens to other women).
It is a challenge in many ways to be a TPE dom, most importantly
a challenge to yourself
Hans: The question often asked is "yes, but what is in it
for you".
Well, the easy answer to this question of course is "I get
what I want", but that is probably a bit too simple. So
let's try.
I have always been facinated by the TPE idea, which is actually
not really a surprise because my first real relationship (waaayyy
back) was a TPE one (although I didn't know it was called that
back in those days). Ever since I got some clarity in what those
fantasies and emotions I had were all about I have been mainly
facinated by the question how far you can take this - not so much
in the technical sense, but in the psychological sense of the
word.
Exploring "the outskirts" of anything is part of my
character. Since I have had some pretty (physically) dangerous
professions, climbed mountains, dived, jumped out of airplanes
and have done top-sport to me it is no surprise I want to take my
relationship to the edge as well. It is not so much taking it too
the edge, as well as exploring the possibilities and the
consequences and I appear to have a strange combination of an
"academic" as well as personal interest in doing that.
It is taking it to my own limits as well as being facinated by
what happens.
Next to that I must admit that Diny in many different ways has
been and still is a treasure. There is of course the aspect that
I am her first dom and this relationship is the first time she is
really exploring things but much more important is the fact that
she is my exact counterpart in almost anything. She is willing to
take this just as far as I want it to go, even though probably
both of us do not have a clear image of what "as far
as" really is (which is part of the thrill). That does not
mean that process is done without critisism or that either of us
is losing touch with reality. In fact these are probably the
issues we talk most about.
I must admit I have stopped asking myself why I want to do this a
long time ago - basically because I can't find the answer. This
is just me and I am happy with that. That doesn't mean the answer
to the question is no longer of interest, it means that I have
accepted the fact that the answer currently is not available.
One of the facinating aspects about a TPE-relationship (I have
been in various other EPE-relationships as well) is the fact that
limits and barriers are not an issue, which in fact is a great
relief. We never discuss about what one of us does NOT want from
the other, we disucss about what we DO want TO DO/BE DONE. From a
dom point of view this means that I can just as easily bring out
whatever it is I want to do and talk about myself, as opposed to
a lot of situations where the limits of one partner (the sub) are
put in front of the other. In our case, that is not the
situation, simply because we never talk limits.
I need to make another side note here. This doesn't mean there
are no limits. Yes, of course there are. However we both no
limits will not be crossed (at least not without mutual consent).
We simply do not discuss them. Both of us know that
"feeling" where a limit is is much more important then
talking about them and we are confident enough the other (usually
me) will spot the limit before we actually get to it. Diny is
very aware of she does and does not want and I in turn am very
confident with her not doing or introducing things that would be
either unrealistic or in any way harmful or dangerous to herself.
The other facinating aspect (which probably is one of the reasons
why limits are never an issue) is the synergy. Actually from the
beginning we seem to be able to feel exactly what the two of
want. And - I must admit - that does make it a lot easier, since
I am one of these doms that is much better in expressing his
feelings in a non-verbal way as opposed to putting them into
words.
To the dependancy part. Yes I want Diny to be dependant. Not the
"weight around my neck" type of dependant and also not
because that makes life easy for me (because it doesn't). I want
her to be dependant because that way we understand eachother and
because it involves going to "the edge". It is a
challenge in many ways to be a TPE dom, most importantly a
challenge to yourself, your ethics, your motivation and your
ability to evaluate and constantly learn. I notice it learns me a
lot about myself, and actually every day.
What I am looking for is having the responsiblity and the full
weight of it. Knowing that when it comes to it it is really and
truly ME doing/initiating it and seeing the results of it
(whatever "it" may be). Let me try to explain this a
bit. To a certain extent I am "shaping" Diny in the
sense that I am trying to bring out what is in there, whether or
not she has already identified that herself (usually she hasn't).
I think that is best compared to painting, drawing, in other
words "creating". Mind you, she's not some sort of wax
doll that I can bend and shape in any form I like. But what I can
do is bring out things that where there but either only latent or
never identified, put them in perspective and let her really and
experience that. And that in our case has very little to do with
being spanked for the first time, but has a lot to do with the
way Diny functions as a person, i.e. her opinions, her
personality and a lot of every day life stuff.
Questions and answers
Below is a compilation of the questions and answers from the
discussion in the group. Before we get to that, a few important
remarks first:
Like we said the road to a complete TPE is a long one and we
aren't there yet. There is a "clear" end goal we are
working towards: which is total and complete dependancy, with as
little chances of getting out as is reasonably possible. For all
sorts of reasons - technically as well as psychologically - that
process may well take some more years to complete and what the
situation will eventually look like may depend on what appears to
be feasible, both technically and psychologically. Without
getting into the technical detail at this point: it is (at least
in this country) technically possible to create sufficient (even
legal) barriers that would - although not entirely impossible -
make it terribly difficult to get out (done it before). The
psychological barriers - as dependancy grows further and further
- of course are the main ones.
Secondly: although we are indeed able to read eachothers minds to
a large extent, that doesn't mean we don't talk, or argue, or
even fight. All three of them happen and frequently at various
stages as the relationship progesses and we are getting nearer to
the goal. This may (and did at one point) get to the point where
the relationship becomes dangerously close to breaking up. The
best way to describe Diny's situation is to compare it with a
corral where the barriers are getting tighter and tighter. She'll
fight that on occassions, which is very understandible, just as
much as I at various stages will either be frightened by the
increased reponsibility or if the process seems to stall. So
before you start thinking we're the ideal couple that reads
minds, never fights and always agrees on everything ...........
But yes, we do work it out, although that may often be difficult,
sometimes painful and in any event selfconfronting.
Q Would you please the difference as you see it between Power and
Control? You have made a few statements that made me assume they
are not the same thing to you and Diny. That you did not choose
to use Control, but Power instead. Could there be a TCE
relationship? Total Control Exchange?
A Diny will eventually give up the control over her own life, or
- if you like - the power to make her own decisions. Without
getting into a symantics discussion let me point out a few
things:
•there are no what I (non-judgemental) call "control
games" going on, like for example telling her how to dress,
when to get up and such; •on the other hand there is an
increasing amount of control when it comes to much more serious
issues, like making decisions in life (currently we have gotten
to the point where Diny no longer makes decisions about carreer
by herself for example).
Just to point out the differences I try to make a difference
between control (as in a more less play or anyways temporary
situation) and power (which is a permanent situation of a
somewhat higher order, or at least with - a lot - more impact on
every day life).
The bottom line however is that - as we see it - control and
power are complementary in the sense that the more power is given
up, the more control is being put in place.
Q Maybe "trust", as in complete and total, including
all the little and big things is a good word? Or does that change
what you were trying to say?
A Trust most certainly is an issue - in fact the most important
one. This will get to the point where there really is no way back
(or hardly any and at least not without severe problems) so both
of us have to make certain we overcome all trust issues first
(including the hidden ones). Once the trust is complete there is
room to totally give up power and let go completely.
Q Alright. Hans. For you. Does this mean that you have to learn
to read her body language, expressions, tones to the point that
it SEEMS like mind reading? And be correct in what you conjecture
from reading these things? Is the challenge in working toward TPE
the learning and teaching her to trust you implicitly?
A The challenge is most of all in the "getting to know
eachother" part. There is a lot the dom has to earn. Part of
that is reading her body, mind and correctly iterpreting all
communication. But it is not only Diny having to trust me, it is
vice versa. I have to trust her just as much. This means that
there are lots of challenges to both of us. For example really
talking about each others feelings, which from the male point of
view sometimes is very difficult. And actually Diny is teaching
me just as much as I am teaching her.
Q Diny. Does this mean that you have to learn to trust Hans to
the point where you believe deep down inside, beyond all concious
thought, that he will not only not harm you but that he will
*know* what you need at any given time? And for you to know him
on the same level? That your obedience to him and perception of
his needs become instinctive?
A The most difficult point is in this. Eventually there will be a
point where there will be no way out. And as a result at least
technically speaking anything is possible and might happen
(whether or not that would is an entirely different thing).
Obedience is a word that does not fit into the vocabulary here
because willing to give up everything means that not doing that
is not being disobediant but being unfaithful to yourself in the
first place.
Q So what happens when Diny gets mad? It's a serious question.
What is she permitted to do to VENT?
A Why shouldn't she get mad. In other words, what are you
expecting? This is anything but turning Diny into some sort of a
perfect "humanbot" (android if you like). Of course
she'll get mad, angry, happy, sad and anything else.
Q I read you want dependency but not the "weight around your
neck" dependency. However, Diny describes she wants/likes
being dependent and is working with you towards total dependence.
I don't see how this can not be a "weight around your neck
kind" of feeling.
A Since this is a choice for both of us, something we really
want, I fail to see how this should become a "weight around
your neck". Unless you consider things you really want to
do, have or whatever as such. I don't.
Q Total dependency, where you have final say in everything,
implies she isn't the creator of her own life's destiny.
A Like hell she is. She is creating exactly the life she wants.
Q What I am having a bit of difficulty is in understanding the
starting point.
A It is of course a slow process and although we are trying to
indeed make developments transparent that doesn't mean there
aren't all sorts of twists and turns in the road and we sometimes
may to take a few steps back as well. There isn't a real starting
point as in "hey, it's Saturday now, let's decide we move
towards TPE". The need to do it evolves from a combination
of things, discussions mainly. One thing that helps is that I
have been there before and pretty much know what it I am looking
for. To Diny the process is new. To me coming to the conslusion
that we both want the same things first of all was big relief,
since her wants and needs coinside with me almost 100 percent. I
guess you can call that plain luck.
One other major advantage of having been there before is in the
fact that I have made all the mistakes before aslo. In other
words, I know the importance of taking a careful toure, not to
jump into it feet first and start at the end instead of the
beginning. That enabled both of us to - once the respective
wants, needs and emotions got relatively clear - to set out a
course to get there. That path still varies and changes and we
progress, but we are still working towards the same goal.
Resistance is a big issue at times. As explained above we do take
our ability to keep the relationship to the edge and beyond
occassionally. Communicating and communicating and communicating
again to us is the only way to solve that. Both of us - albeit
that this sometimes may be very difficult - will always try to
talk through a problem and find a solution, instead of walking
away from it or just leaving it. Such an unresolved issue may
turn into a deadly booby trap later on so if we want to make this
work we need to keep communicating - but yes we do fight, scream,
cry (and laugh a lot) along the way.
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