Hi. *S

I'm Catherine.

Someone said to me in mail one day that "i've discovered --- no -- decided --- that the only thing to love about a mystery is its solving". To be honest, I'm not entirely certain what he meant by that...but I know what I took away from it. I realized I have no wish to be a mystery. I am who I am, for better or for worse, and I've come a long way to get here.

I do like to share my past experiences, hoping that somehow, my own pain, my own journey might, in some way, help another.

I'm also always learning. Always growing, always examining and exploring. Mostly, myself, but I do love reading of other people's experiences and journeys. I love reading about their everyday lives and the small things that bring them joy. I love reading those "slices of life" and love looking at the wonderful pictures people so generously share with us on the #r-z2cork, and elsewhere around SOI.

I'm single, 45, and a BBW. I've never denied that. 5'5 1/2, 300lbs.. give or take a few..*S At three hundred pounds, twenty pounds one way or another really doesn't make that much difference. I'm not trying to hide anything. I'm not proud of my weight, but I'm really growing tired of feeling like I have to apologize for it! My weight is something I've struggled with all my life--but really, it's no one else's business but my own. I like to support other Big Women in their struggle to feel good about themselves, but often, I find it difficult. It's a constant struggle, some days I'm on top of it..other days, under..

I'm also a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse. That almost looks like I wear that as a badge. I don't--but I AM proud that I'm here and that I DID *Survive*. I gotta tell ya', there were days, weeks, months..when I was suicidal. I've struggled with clinical depression since my early thirties. It's been a *long* journey, but I am confident that though I may travel that road of depression once again, I now have tools, *healthier* tools. *healthier* coping mechanisms, and the self-awarness and confidence to use them.

I've worked in the hospitality industry all my life. I love it. I've always enjoyed working with the public and helping people to feel at home and comfortable. Whether working at a frontdesk in a 5 star hotel, or as a waitress and cook in a tiny diner, or slinging beer at a local watering hole, I've always enjoyed working with the public. It's what I do. It's what I like. It may not be much of a career, but it pays the bills. That's my priority. Others may have different priorities.

People seem to be overly curious about my living arrangements. I've never kept that a secret. I don't know why anyone else would be interested, but apparently some are, so here you go--I live in a tiny hotel room, above a bar that I work at. It's extremely convenient. It's *cheap* and I feel *safe* here. Financially, things are definitely tight. When I left my girlfriend of five years, Cindy, I came back here. I'd lived here for years when I was much younger and at a different stage of my life. In many ways, this hotel has been my HOME when I didn't feel safe anywhere else.

I've been coming to SOI for the last 6 years or so. I love it here. I love the people here. I've come to make friends here that are everybit as important to me as any friend I have away from the computer. A computer and the internet are just tools. They bring us together. They provide the means to communicate with people worlds apart. We might be a thousand miles apart, but really, when out of sight, does it really matter *how* far apart you are? You're every bit as important to me whether I can actually *see* you...touch you..feel you.. or not.

It's tougher when you're really trying to communicate with someone without the added body language and auditory signals. When you can't use *all* of your five senses. It means your imagination has to work overtime...and often, the imagination provides us with fallacious information. It's important to remember this.

Well, if you got this far, thanks for reading! *S I hope you found what you were looking for. If not, feel free to drop me a note in my mailbox.

Note: If *you* happen to be a single male, interested in getting to know *me* a little better, click ~here~ to see my profile at Plenty of Fish, an online dating site. You will also find more pictures. No one's twisting your arm to look, however!

Thanks, Teaser, for your HTML lessons which provided me with the confidence and information to finally attempt this homepage. Your ever patient support, approachability and friendship over the years has been invaluable to so many. Thank you.